Portrait of a troubled marriage is more like it.

From the first moment we started the "portrait of a biblical marriage" study I was INSPIRED! Everything I read was like food for a dying soul. I knew I was not happy because I was not fulfilling the role God had intended me too: helpmate, submissive wife. My theory was all I had to do was to submit to my husband and in time, all would fall into place.

It doesn't quite work that way. Perhaps you can be blessed by God for obeying His word, but it doesn't change the other person like I thought it would.

Jim heard that I had to obey him and that he could do whatever he wanted. He had his friends in the house and smoked grass while I was out. He drank. When I caught him online talking dirty to some woman he said he was head of household and I was to help him. And that eventually ment allow him to do what he wanted. He said it was harmless and since it was something that filled his needs I should not be upset about it. After all, he said, his happiness was what I was suppose to be focused on that is what the "pastor" said.

That was all my focus had been for years. How can I help Jim get over his mothers death? How can I help Jim while he is scared in jail? How can I heal the hurts of Jim's past so he can move forward? I became resentful that I got nothing back. His "love" was self-centered on only him. He said only his mother had ever truly loved him and that if really loved him it would be like she did: doing anything for him and asking nothing in return. I tried to explain that marriage was give/take, not like a mother's love for her child.

I was mad at God because I felt He had lead me to Jim and that surely I was worthy of more than this. I still saw a man struggling with re-dedicating his life to the Lord, not a man that had never truly accepted Jesus as his savior. I still felt it had been His will to marry Jim.

It was a very dark time in my life and then Jim begged me to have my Mother move in with us while she looked for a place closer to Waterville. I knew this was a bad idea but Jim said "submit to me, remember?" He said he would step up and clean the house while I worked, look for a job, go to church, but he needed a mother in the house. I relented.

I regretted.

H~O~P~E

I define hope this way: Having Opptimistic Perception Evermore.

When we started marriage counseling with Pastor I had one opptimistic perception. I was sure that discussing biblical ideals of marriage would inspire Jim to re-dedicate his life to the Lord and to our marriage. I was eager to learn how I could be a better wife. I long to DO something in times of stress. My hope was dampened by the fact that Jim wouldn't do his "homework." If I filled it out after asking him, he still didn't want to share feelings. He would look at me blankly and said "I don't know what I think or feel about that" I don't think he was just pushing it off, I think he really didn't let himself think/feel about anything. Jim remembered everything the Pastor said that I should do different of course but none of the biblical husband attributes he should do. In the end, what this gave him was a new thing to yell in an arguement. I, however, tried to focus on pleasing God by doing what He wanted me to do, hoping I would then not be so hurt in the process.

Amanda fired Jim and I went to work at Marketing Unlimited as a telemarketer. My job was stressful but the escape from my home life was worth it. I became a member of LWCC and was making good money at my job. Most of the money went into my car (it seems everything breaks on an escort within months of each other). Jim was mad that he could "only" spend $100 a month and that wasn't enough to get him the amount of grass he wanted. He said since he was "head of household" that meant he should be able to do in the house what he wanted, including smoke grass. I begged him to go to church but he said no one was friendly. I invited him to every fellowship thing we did, when he did go, it was reluctantly and he always sulked after that everyone was a snob.

I was so discouraged. Then Pastor announced a 13 week course called "portrait of a biblical marriage" and I really wanted to go. Jim liked Pastor and I was able to talk him into it.

Hope was alive once more.

Round n' Round

Remember when you were a kid and the merry-go-round was the coolest thing in the amusement park? When it is your emotions/life, it is not so cool.

I had been collecting unemployment (from being laid off during the summer for the school bus driving job) and Jim was working at Governor's. Then Jim lost his job and I threw my back out. Money got tight and Jim got depressed. We fought often about his choice of friends. I suspected a friend of his was having him be the "runner" for drug sales. Jim sold some of the vicodin I had been prescribed for my back. Whenever he got mad at me he would yell "why don't you just divorce me then if it's so bad?" I caught Jim talking dirty online to a woman. He broke almost every dish we had. I had to hang pictures up where he had punched holes in the walls.

I begged him to go to marriage counseling. He said all I had to do was let him do what he wanted and he would "bear the thought of staying with me."

I caught him cheating online again. He seemed indifferent to my anguish. He didn't even apologize.

Then a friend betrayed him and another attacked him. He came home crying and as I comforted him he apologized again for the way he had been acting. Jim stayed close to home for a few days and showered me with affection. He said he wanted to find another church. I agreed and we called around. I felt lead to Living Water Community Church. The first sunday I attended, I knew I had found my home.

Jim continuted to do "favors" for guys selling grass and arguing that he wasn't really doing anything wrong. I tried in vain to convince him of the potential jail time, he wouldn't listen. He refused to give up some of the negative influences from his friends. He did start working for this woman with 3 kids named Amanda. He wanted me to stay home and let him work. I agreed. Money was very tight but he seemed to florish in the role of sole breadwinner. His anger subsided.

We started marriage counseling with Pastor. I again had hope.

Our "First" Place

On the road again....

I've had lots of experience with moving, but some moves are more memorable than others: the first time you live on your own, your college dorm room, your first house (or trailer) but this time felt so special. Right from the start it felt like "our first place" and it really felt like a new beginning. Their was an air of excitement to this move.

A friend had promised to fill his pick up truck with our bed, bureau, kitchen table/chairs, desk and few items but decided he wanted to be paid the night before our move. So we packed everything we could fit into my escort and headed for our new home without a bed! But God provided. We called salvation army and they had 2 twin mattresses that they put aside for us. We arrived in Waterville after they had closed but found the mattresses against the building.... but had no rope to tie them on the roof of the car. So I prayed and we found a piece of rope on the ground! That first night, we had a tv (no cable), 2 mattresses on the floor, a computer with no desk but we were happy. Jim loved the place. The next day, armed with $15 we went to tag sales and God provided: we found a desk for free, 2 living room chairs for $2 each, some pots and pans, a kitchen table and 2 chairs for $5, a tv stand for $1 and a few odds and ends. When we found the desk our "God rope" again provided a way to get our treasure home. We had dinner together each night, played games, rented free videos from the library. Jim taught me how to play chess. Jim found a job (and God provided again because he needed no slip shoes and Salvation Army had a pair his size!) We made a trip back home to bring our queen bed up (on top of the roof of the escort!). Our apartment became a home. We became a couple.

We were like newlyweds. We had such joy finding things to fill our home. We searched together & picked out a place in canaan for Mom. We went to Solid Rock Baptist Church and though Jim didn't think anyone was friendly enough, he went. He told me every day that he loved me.

I relaxed.

Friends

I am going to take a quick break from my usual journey....

Everyone that knows me knows my biggest pet peeve is someone not taking responsibility for their actions. It drives me nutz. I am quite good at accepting that my Mother's decisions about her health reap the benefits or suffer the consequences. The same for my Nana. I hold myself to a high standard of accepting responsibility for my actions. Then why do I feel the need to worry about a friends decisions? I had a flash of insight....it is what I did throughout my marriage with Jim. Now some of his decisions did effect me, when you are married, they will, but others didn't. And why worry about something you can't change? Then I think back to my decision to marry Jim. Others might have seen that I was moving too fast, that he wasn't for me, but I had to make that mistake. I followed my heart, so why do I have such a problem with others potentially making a mistake? I think some is when you care about someone, you do try to warn them. I would expect the same back. some may be that I am still in the bad habit of taking on responsibility that isn't mine. When I was married I was sick with worry about Jim doing drugs, going to jail, the friends he chose, not working, his temper, how it all made me feel. I wanted things to change and so I did everything I could to make them. But perhaps part of this new side to me is that I am wishing I could go back and make changes, that I wished someone had tried to change my mind. But you can never go back. And perhaps part of me is avoiding changing me by focusing on others. The past always seems better and worse than it really was and I can only change me. I can hope, pray, advise but then I need to accept and let go.

True friendship is caring enough to say something but also accepting them just the way they are.....

Summer of 03'

It was clear to me that we needed to get away from the negative influence of Jeff. I have always disliked NH and longed to be back in Maine. Jim agreed. I asked my Nana if we could live with her for a few months so we would save the money to move to Maine. She agreed. A month after we moved in, Mom had to leave her apartment and moved in with Nana. Three generations of women should never live together.

If you are considering such a thing smack yourself 3 times on the forehead and don't do it. Trust me you will thank me in the long run.

The tension was high. Jim would explode and then not only did I have that to deal with, but my Mom and Nana would lecture me about it. Sometimes I felt like I had to defend him, other times it felt good that someone cared about how he was treating me. Every day there was fighting. The plan had been for Jim to get a job (I was able to collect unemployment since I had been laid off from the school bus driving job) but he lasted 2 days at a local gas station and then wouldn't look for work. I was worried sick. Then we found this ridiculously low rent in Waterville ($350 for 2 bedrooms, den, laundry room, kit/bath heated on first floor...woo hoo!) and with help from Mom was able to have come up with a months rent/security. Me and Mom went for a trip to see the place (Jim didn't want to go). I liked the area. The landlady said it was not a "nice neighborhood" so I asked how many murders/rapes there had been and she gasped and said "o no such thing but people will break into your cars" What a riot for this Boston girl. I signed the lease and drove back to NH with a lighter heart. I had researched the area and found several christian churches and especially liked the sounds of Solid Rock Baptist Church & Living Water Community Church. I researched places of employment for both of us and there seemed to be some prospects. It seemed like such a quiet neighborhood.

I knew moving wasn't going to erase our problems but I was hoping a fresh start would give us the boost we needed. Jim seemed sincere about finding a church we could call home and finding work and to quote him "be a man for once."

I was cautious but hopeful of the future.

Friends in low places

They say you are who your friends are. I've never believed that.

Til I met Jim.

Jim started spending a lot of time at Jeff's who owned a computer repair shop. He was doing odd jobs for him and was really excited about starting his own computer repair business one day. Jeff wasn't a christian, was not married, smoked grass and thought talking dirty online was not cheating. He was also a demanding and demeaning man. I did not like him but Jim looked up to him, both professionally and personally. Every waking moment was speant on the computer or down at Jeff's working on computers. Jim said it was for our future. I wanted to be supportive of his dreams, so I kept my feelings about Jeff to myself.

Jim got up from the computer when Jeff called and ran over to his shop (2 doors down) and as I walked past the computer an IM caught my eye. I sent a few vague IM's back to this woman to keep her talking and found out my husband was having an online affair with her. I revealed who I was and she said sorry & to my surprise answered my questions. Jim had found her in a chat room (under adults/NH/romance section) and had complained about how mean his wife was who made him do all the housework, denied his needs and who was fat. I weighed the same weight for the first 4 years of our marriage, had begged Jim for affection & I worked while he did nothing, including housework. I confronted him when he got home and HE EXPLODED! He said I had no right to talk to his online friends and that it was just a fantasy and he needed an "outlet" for all the stuff I pulled on him. He then said perhaps we should not be married but live together like Jeff and his girlfriend, then neither one of us would feel like we could control the other and he could collect more money from disability. He said he was going to smoke grass in the house if he wanted too, have as many harmless online girlfriends as he wanted too and he was no longer going to be my "slave" and do housework while I worked f/t. He said you don't like it, divorce me. I am the man and I am taking control of this house. Lets just say I was not quiet when I voiced my opinion and I can't repeat what I said back. I did tell him if he smoked grass in the house I would call the cops to which he replied "You would be very sorry if you did that. I won't have no (bleep) dissn'g me like that."

He said if I truly loved him whatever he did I would accept. He said he DESERVED to be loved that way and the fact that he stayed with me is enough of a 'REWARD' to me (I kid you not) He laughed when he said "and the bible you like to think you follow little miss perfect says you have to obey me, so there ain't nothing you can do." He sneered at me that if I didn't like it I could divorce him. Then he added "but you won't and I know it cause you're a perfect angel aint you? not. You always make me feel like garbage cause you don't drink or smoke grass or swear and cause you work and go to church. O man I love the look on your face right now. I'm in control baby!"

He had this warped idea of submission, no christian friends/influence and I was trapped. He was right on one thing: I couldn't biblically divorce him. I've never felt so helpless.

Days later he got mad at Jeff when he gave a job to someone else and he felt betrayed. He came home crying. He said everyone would betray him but his Mother. Then he added the only people he had was me and my Mom. He said we needed to start over new, someplace new. He apologized for his outburst and said it was Jeff's influence (I don't disagree with that, who his friends are was how he acted) He again emptied his friends list online, promised he would never go to a chat room again unless it was a christian one and that he loved me and would never make me cry again. He promised he would change and be the christian God wanted him to be.

I didn't believe him.

Broken Vows

The world stopped spinning. I felt all the air leave the room. My heart was: ripped out of my chest, stopped beating, tore in 2.

There are a lot of cliche's out there but that is how it feels when you learn the one you love has cheated on you. And cheating doesn't have to be physical.

I was checking my email before I went to work and didn't know I was in Jim's account. I went to the sent folder for something and saw an email with the subject "rock your world." When I opened that email, the world did stop spinning, the air left the room, my heart stopped beating just before it was torn in 2. Then the world started spinning wicked fast, my heart was about to beat right out of my chest and I couldn't breath. I confronted Jim who gave me some lame excuse of sending the email for a "friend" who wanted to hook up with this woman but had a girlfriend so he did him a "favor" by sending the email from his account. Funny though the email wasn't signed by this friend. The more he lied to me the madder I got. I cried, I screamed, I had words stuck in my throat. I told him to leave, I begged him to tell me what I did wrong, I felt sick to my stomach. I had so many emotions at one time, it was hard to keep up. All the cliche's are true when the rug is pulled out from under you. The cops came and said one of us had to leave and wanted me too since I had to go to work. I have no idea how I drove to the school to pick up the kids (I was a bus driver).

When I got home, the computer had "crashed" and all info was lost. He told me he was sorry he had hurt me. He cried for an hour and told me he realized how much he loved me and didn't want to loose me, though he stuck to his lame story about sending the email for a friend. He deleted a bunch of names from his email and said he would never do anything like that again. I tried to believe his story, I wanted so badly to believe he had been that naive to send an email for a buddy and that it wasn't him. I did believe he was sorry and forgave him. I told him it would take time to trust him again.

Things got better after that. Jim made sure he was home for most evenings to watch a movie with me, made me dinner and went to bed when I did. He hugged me often and told me he loved me. He apologized several times and said it made him realize just how much he loved me when he saw me crying. Though I was hurt and still wanted him to tell me the truth, I let it go. I stopped checking his email and rebuilt the trust I had in him before. I believed it was a one time thing and that this had made us stronger.

Yeah, right.

Still Doing Time

"Still Doing Time"

You're distant & cold

our life still on hold

The bars are gone

but something's still wrong

You turn from me

still not free

It's like you're still there

like you don't care

You pull away your hand

I don't understand

Now that you're free

you don't want me?

Have you lost your soul

you're no longer whole

I waited so long

I stood strong

I'm still doing time

are you still mine?

July 14, 2002

Again and again and again.

It was much harder to keep Jim's spirits up this time. He had tried so hard to stay within the rules. He hadn't left the front yard per his instructions but somehow his foot/ankle bracelet must have been just over the line. I was hysterical when they took him back, prompting the CO who was taking him back to ask Jim if I was going to be alright. It never gets easier to see the one you love in cuffs. NEVER.

I kept Jim focused on June 14th. That was his release date. As that date approached, I sent countless encouraging cards and letters. I made him a calendar to do a countdown. Then the head master tacked on 30 more days for all the previous infractions (that he had speant time in the hole for AND lost 5 days good time each time) Jim lost it. He wouldn't stop crying. I was furious. I had just started a super stressful job, I speant every moment (it seemed) encouraging Jim, we had to sell the trailer's (for a huge loss) and I was speant. Jim was very upset we had to sell the trailers. He felt like we were "backsliding" because we would now live in an apartment instead of a home. He blamed me. I tried to dismiss it as stress of being back in jail but I was hurt. I had been the only one working, I had bought the trailers & lived where I hated it to make him happy. Each night I cried out to God to take this burden from me. Then I heard a sermon that reminded me that God doesn't take away the storms but gives us strength to endure the storms. I was invigorated.

Jim was cold when he got out of jail. He was depressed. He withdrew even more from me. He wouldn't leave the house for weeks. He seemed to have given up. I gave him space. I consoled. I begged. I yelled. I cried. I tried to reach out to him. He looked at me with blank eyes. He didn't yell, he didn't cry, he didn't do anything. He slept while I worked, went on the computer when I was home, and came to bed hours after I had tried to fall asleep. I reminded myself it is darkest just before dawn.

Sometimes, it is darkest just before the storm.

Christmas Eve 2001

I've heard a lot of romantic notions about love: Love is a cool breeze on hot day. Love is never having to say your sorry. Love isn't love til it's given away. Love comes but once in a lifetime.

Mine? Love is an eraser.

On Christmas eve, as I was chatting with my Mom about how cold it was out, in walked Jim. He was being released on the ankle bracelet to serve the rest of his time at home! What a joyous Christmas present! I flew into his arms and every single hardship melted away as he held me and said how much he loved me and he had wanted to surprise me. We had missed our anniversary, but we were going to have Christmas together. Jim checked and double checked what the parimeter's were where he could go around the house. He was very grateful to be home for sure, but he also seemed grateful for me. He spent his days playing video games, cleaning the house, writting me loving emails. He talked about how he wanted to learn more about fixing computers and have his own business. I lavished him with encouragement and he basked in it. He seemed happy. He promised he was going to go to church when his time was done, that he wanted to be a better husband. I vowed to try harder too.

The next couple of months were spent playing spades til dawn with friends, being told I was beauitful and that he loved me, and coming home to a mostly peaceful household. He laughed, we snuggled & talked into the night like we use too. He even made me homemade cards that he left all around the house.

The monitoring people said he had stepped out of bounds once and if he did it again he would go back. Jim had him show him exactly how far in every direction he could go. We wrote it down. I would remind him, at his request, every day so he wouldn't mess up.

April 23rd, the CO walked in the door and arrested Jim. They said he had stepped out of bounds for over 10 minutes the friday before. We had several witnesses that wrote afidavits saying he had not left the area, he must have been just out of bounds. None of it mattered. Jim sunk into despair. He had tried so hard and felt it was unjust to take him back. I agreed. I tried to encourage him by reminding him his time was almost done. Nothing I said inspired him. His rage fueled once again.

And of course he took it out on me.

Again

"Again"

Arrested. Handcuffs. Police.

Vilation. Probation. PO.

Bail. Court. Hearing.

Again.

Public Defender. Prosecution. Convicted.

Plea Bargain. Work Release. Ankle Bracelet.

Convict. Pre-Sentence Hearing. Sentenced.

Again.

CO's. Pat-downs. Searches.

Re-classified. East Block. 211.

Bunks. Cells. Bars.

Again.

Lock Down. Lights Outs. Head Count.

Day Room. Rec. Rules.

Write Ups. Good Time. D-Board.

Again.

SHU. Hole. Closet.

Buble. Canteen. Protective Custody.

Visitation. Sign In. Glass Walls.

Again.

Phone Calls. Letters. No Contact.

Worry. Stress. Broke.

Fear. Tears. Alone.

Again.

JAIL-AGAIN!!

Doing Time

It should be old hat by now. court. bail. visitation. letters. collect calls. handcuffs. jail. fear.

But still bringing my husband to jail shattered my heart. Again.

Jim started what was to be 4 months with good behavior, with 6 weeks already served, at a local jail the end of Sept. 2001. So started the endless calls, screaming one minute, crying the next. He told me once the only power he had while in jail was hanging up on me. It made him feel good knowing I was hurting cause then he knew I loved him. He sent me letters that were a mixture of lashing out, begging me to do something and confessing undying love for me. His ADHD really worked against him in jail. He was written up several times for not "focusing" (now ADHD is just that, the inability to focus). Each time he lost 5 days of good behavior and was thrown in the hole. The infractions were mind-boggling at times. Some were so unjust. But others were proof that Jim wouldn't follow the rules. The jail had the right to decide if Jim could indeed have work release, which they denied. Jim altered between depression and rages. My visits left me drained. I had no one that understod anything I was going threw.

"Doing Time"

Look close, you'll see them

the bars that hold me in

I'm doing time

for someone else's sin

How'd that work out

I'd like to know

You have to stay

I have to go

What traps you

within 4 walls

imprisons me

with every call

I feel your pain

I live your fear

I cry for you

and shed my own tear

I go to sleep

all alone

I'm so lonely

til I hear the phone

Our life is on hold

waiting for this to end

so my weary heart

can start to mend

You may have the bars

but I'm in jail too

I'm doing time

til I can hold you

April 4, 2001

Bad boys, bad boys, what ya gonna do? What ya gonna do when they come for you.

Jim had worked for a few weeks when he first got out of jail. He had worked at the same place as the woman across the street, so she drove him there. But she left the job, leaving him with no way to get there, so he quit as well. I had to work; I was our only steady source of income. I couldn't drive him to a job. His PO was threatening to send him back to jail if he didn't keep a job (it's part of the probation conditions). He found a job, p/t, doing dishes and being trained to cook. He was happy. The job was over 20 miles away, so he took the chance of not getting pulled over by driving without a license. He was scheduled to go to the dmv April 9 to get his license back. The job was going to increase his hours then too. He was almost home free. Then on April 4th, he stopped in to his scheduled PO appt. and jingled his keys during his chat with him. His PO knew he didn't have a license and that he was getting it back in 5 days. But he became suspicious that he was driving and followed him when he left. Jim was pulled over and arrested for driving with a suspended license (habital offender-meaning he lost his license because of numerous tickets/citations). This also violated his probation. It was one day shy of a year ago that he had gone to jail the first time.

I put the house up for the bond needed to get him out but it still took 6 weeks. I was working at an insurance agency and was excited I was getting my insurance license back. I was using my breaks at work to call bail bondsmen. Jim called constantly when I was home, at all hours of the night. He yelled and cried and begged and blamed me. I was under alot of stress and it was showing in my job. I couldn't sleep and when I did I had nightmares.

I finally got Jim out of jail, pending trial, just after Mother's day. Jim was facing a standard year in jail (because he had a felony conviction, the sentence for driving under suspended habital offender was 1 year). He was also facing violation of probation charges.

Jim seemed to go full force into rages. He wouldn't talk about anything, he blamed everything in his life on someone else. He was depressed about his Mother's death. Everything about me reminded him of his Mom and he would lash out at me. He told me he hated me and wished he was dead. He said if I had not "rescued" him when we met he wouldn't be going threw this. The cops were at our house 2-3 times per week for domestic calls. About half of them were legit arguements but the rest was a neighbor would stand on the road outside our window and if she heard any sounds would call the police. The stress was near unbearable. I didn't know how much more I could take.

The 1 year anniversary of Dad's surgery/death only added to my load. Jim became enraged when I would cry or want to talk about my Dad. He felt I was trying to make him feel bad because he was depressed about his Mother. It was like I somehow "took away" from his pain by mourning for my Dad. When I tried to explain the pressure I was under and we needed to help each other threw this time, he said I wasn't facing jail, I had only lost my Dad, he had lost his Mother and the only person he loved. I was all alone in my grief and in my burdens.

Then on my birthday I got fired.

The Little Things

The sun will come out...tomorrow. Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow they'll be sun.

I saw the light come back to Jim's eyes as we finished 2000. He pampered me with affection. He made me breakfast in bed, warmed up the car on cold days, put little notes on my bathroom mirror. He knew I was worried one time about driving my escort up this steep hill in the dead of winter. The road hadn't been plowed. Jim met me at work and we switched cars. His Chevy Lumina APV van flew threw the snow like it was a snowmobile. Another time he made me this romantic dinner. He had candlelight, and after calling Mom to ask her what constituted as "romantic music" put Celine Dion on. He greeted me with a kiss at the door and had made this delicious meal. It was the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me.

He was talking about his past, still not ready to let it go, but talking about it. He wasn't working and spent his days hanging out with friends in the park. Our fights seemed to be less and less. He seemed to really be in love with me. I thought the best was yet to come as we approached our first anniversary.

I was dead wrong.

August 2nd, 2000

I had pictured the moment for 120 days: I would walk into the jail and see my husband for the last time in cuffs and orange suit. I would sign in for the last time in the guest book. He would immediately wrap his arms around me and we would walk out of the correctional facility, never looking back, into a world that somehow had an extra ray of sunshine.

OK, I watch way too many movies!

His Uncle got there and "signed him out" before me. Jim greeted me with "hi, we're going to lunch with Uncle Hugh." No hug, no adoring look at his "angel" that had kept him sane for 4 months. Fizzle.

When we got back to NH, I had to work on the eulogy for Dad's funneral 2 days later. I took Jim to see the trailers we had bought. There was so many things happening that week, it felt hard to breath even. So I ignored Jim's rages and his moody isolation with the computer/games. I thought he needed time to readjust. Perhaps he did, but he snapped out of this funk whenever he was around friends. He seemed to resent me for some reason and I couldnt' figure out why. He wouldn't look for work, he ignored me & speant time with new friends, he wouldn't touch me. He said "I love you" when he wanted to hear it and got annoyed when I said it first. He asked me to tell him why I loved him, that he was unworthy of my love, then he would call me names and say "when you cry is the only time I know you really love me." He said I was making him get angry and punching holes in the wall was better than hitting me. This was so strange to me. I decided he just needed time to get over things and I needed to be a good wife and be patient. Love conquers all things, right?

Jim was on probation which meant his PO could come to the house whenever he wanted and he did. He went threw our drawers, poured out a wine cooler I had, inspected our knives. He ordered Jim to work or he would violate him and send him back to jail. I looked for work for Jim, not having a license, a criminal record and living in the boonies, this was not easy. Plus Jim has ADHD (severe case) and wouldn't take meds for it. Jim perfered to "self medicate" i.e. smoke grass. I was afraid every day he would get arrested again, that he would be sent back to jail and that he didn't love me. I was correct.

He was no longer behind bars but we sure weren't free.

April 5, 2000

Your first Christmas. Your first place. Your first dinner. Your first fight. The first time you are called "Mrs. ____"

The first time I saw him in jail.

April 5th, 2000 I brought my husband to jail. He had accepted a plea agreement of 6 months in jail and 2 years probation for Criminal Mischief, Criminal Threatening & Harrassment. I saw him in cuffs, in an orange suit, I walked out of the cement building with tiny glass windows & begain the worse 120 days of my life. He called several times every day, crying that he was scared he was going to be attacked. He begged me to get him out somehow. He would then scream at me and hang up, knowing I couldn't call him back. I would be frantic til he called back. I tried to get him out on an ankle braclet/home confinement but the DA opposed and he had to stay. Jim told me his mother would never have allowed this to happen, I needed to do something. He was punched a few times, speant several nights in the hole. He called several times a day, crying & begging me to do something. He told me I had failed him. Then he would tell me I was his angel that was keeping him hanging on. He went to anger management classes while there. He attended bible studies. He seemed to really committ to the Lord. He wrote me letters mentioning how he wanted to live a more Christ like life. I visited every Sunday, even when my Dad was admitted into the hospital June 24th for his lung transplant. I split my time between MA visiting Dad and NH to take Jim's calls and visit him in jail. Verizon stock holders should send me a thank you note for all the money they earned while I accepted collect calls from jail. I think I personally put the VP's son threw 2 years of law school. I tried to work but I was emotional drained. Some money from Jim's mothers IRA came threw and I was able to buy 2 trailers (one for us, one for my parents) as Jim wished. Jim was released on Aug 2nd, 2000.

I had thought I would get rest during the time Jim was in jail; it was worse. The emotional strain was almost unbearable. Dad died July 23rd, 5 days before my birthday-7 days before we moved-10 days before Jim got out of jail.

What was suppose to bring joy, didn't. It was suppose to be a time of renewed life with Dad's transplant, instead it brought death. It was suppose to be a time of putting Jim's jail/anger behind us, instead it brought more outbursts. It was suppose to be a time of settling into our new homes, instead it was a sleezy trailer park that made me cry myself to sleep to live in. It was suppose to bring some financial freedom from his mother's estate, instead it was another opportunity for his family to treat him poorly.

Everything seemed to be spiralling out of control.

but the eternal optimist in me refused to believe that the worse was not behind us....

1st 100 days

If nothing else our marriage was never dull.

In the first 100 days: Jim was arrested 2 times (for disorderly conduct & transporting drugs), lost his license, went to court 4 times, fought (and lost) his uncle over his inheritance & my Dad was on a transplant list (for a lung, he had advanced emphysema).

There was so much going on that I dismissed all the outbursts. All the times the cops showed up because a neighbor called after hearing us arguing, Jim punching a hole in the wall or throwing something at me. When he was mad he called me filthy names. He would become annoyed when I cried, ignore me when I tried to talk to him and pushed me away every time I tried to touch him. I know saying "every time" is a big, dramatic statement, but it is not for dramatic effect: every time in the 6 years we were married he pushed me away when I approached him.

I came home from work & he would explode over something that would leave me in tears, then he would wake me up in the middle of the night wanting to talk. I was exhausted. I was emotionally drained from the stress that was going on in our lives. I knew the date was drawing near for Jim to start his jail sentence and I felt guilty because part of me was looking forward to the break.

But when the man you love is doing time.....so are you.

Mrs Tully

He called me his early Christmas gift.

When we married Dec 18, 1999, I thought I was marrying the love of my life. Jim would shower me with attention, tell me I was beautiful and his angel that had saved him from ending his life when his Mom died a month before we met. It was a very emotional time in our lives, so the outbursts of vile words I dismissed as a result of all the turmoil in our lives. Besides having just lost his Mother, his uncle & aunt were very cold towards us. His uncle insisted on a pre-nup (he was going to have an inheritance of an estimated $200,000 after all was said and done) and they thought I only wanted his money. It didn't help that my best friend at the time convinced Jim that was true as well. I signed happily but it did put a strain on Jim's relationship with them.

Jim was also facing jail time. He had damaged a vehicle of his ex-fiance's new boyfriend and made threatening calls to him. Hindsite is everything aint it? But at the time I took this as a bad break up, not a sign of a violent man. (yeah, I am shaking my head as I write this). Jim speant the first 2 months lying about having damaged the truck or threatened anyone. Jim was hurting deeply for the loss of his Mother and the "dismissive" way his family treated him. I decided I would rescue him from all the saddness in his life. Jim told me often that I reminded him of his Mother and that is why he fell in love with me.

That is also the reason he fell out of love with me.

Wedding Night

Every girl dreams of her wedding night. Flowers. Soft music. Candles. Satin sheets. Country Inn or Luxary hotel. Camping in Mts or Cruise to caribbean island. Any way you slice it though it has one thing in common: romance.

My wedding night was speant in tears.

He wanted to play video games. When he saw me in my nightgown he said "yeah, so?" He laughed & said I was being a ridiculous cow when I started crying. I tried desperatley to cry myself asleep. At 4 am he threw the video controller against the wall, punched the floor & said "If it will shut you up."

December 18th was a clear depiction of what the next 6 years would be like: one minute I was being told I was beautiful & his angel, the next I was being called words I can't type on this blog.

I knew this was not right; that he needed to control his temper. What I didn't know was how much this was damaging my self esteem.

Dec. 18th, 1999

Wouldn't life be great if you could have a "re-do"?

Flashback November, 1999....it would go something like this...

"Yes, I will marry you but we need pre-maritial counseling" Perhaps after 6 weeks of marriage counseling I would take the advice of the Pastor to wait til Jim got out of jail to marry him. Perhaps all the yelling, disrespect & name calling while he was in jail would have me thinking twice before I married him. Perhaps I would see Billie's hesitation of me marrying as a sign to slow down.

Perhaps.

I do know that I don't believe in "regrets." Regrets have you living in the past and you can't change that. My motto has always been to Live & Learn, let yourself Love & make sure you Laugh.

I also know I would never want to loose the memories of my wedding day. It was a cold day, but no snow fell. It was Dec. 18th. I was in the back of the little church I had attended when I lived in Maine. I was nervous and giddy. My Mom cried as she put on my veil. My cousin Loraine was my matron of honor, my cousin Mel was my bridesmaid. My Dad beamed with pride. Dad walked me down the aisle then stod up for Jim as his best man. Nothing I had ever imagined growing up could compare to the joy I felt on that day. As I walked down the aisle you could see how nervous I was. I glanced up to the sky asking God to not let me faint. When I got to the altar Jim whispered "you look so beautiful" & "I love you." We had a few funny moments in our ceremony: when Pastor Harter asked me "do you want to give Loraine your bouquet" I said "no" & when I went to put the ring on Jim's finger I got confused which hand and kinda grabbed one, then the other....prompting Jim to grab my hand, shake it and quip "nice to meet ya"...everyone roared! We wrote our own vows and I truly can't describe what I felt as I said them and as I looked in his eyes as he said them to me. I promise to Love, Cherish, Honor, Respect, Protect, Defend, Comfort & Encourage. Forsaking all others & keeping myself forever faithful. In sickness & in health, in joy & in sorrow. Standing before God, my family and friends, I take thee as my husband/wife til death do us part. When we exchanged rings we said "With this ring I thee wed & so start the greatest journey of my life...as your wife/husband"

The journey may have ended too soon. It was much harder than it should have been. But Garth Brooks said it best ...."our lives are better left to chance, I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance."

Nov 14, 1999

I have a great memory. I remember a lot of dates. I remember the date I met Jim, the date I realized I was falling for him, the date he first told me he loved me, the date I first told him I loved him, the date we got engaged, the date we picked out my engagement ring, the date I bought my dress, the date we met with the photographer, reception hall manager, pastor.

Of course our entire courtship, from meet-to-marry, was 6 weeks.

Yes, I said 6 weeks. Common sense picked a bad time to take a vacation.

From the start, Jim wanted to get married. He "jokingly" asked me the first time he talked to me on the phone, 2 days before meeting. He asked again 3 days after we met. The first 8 days we knew each other was a whirlwind, to put it mildly. He told me over and over again I was his "angel" who had rescued him from despair; that he was going to treat me like a "princess" for the rest of my life; that he loved me, would never leave me or hurt me. I felt like I was in the twister that took Dorothy over the rainbow. I thought I had waited 31 years to meet my prince and there he was. I dismissed his lack of strong faith as having just lost his Mother 1 month before we met; dismissed the pending criminal charges against him as the fault of the cheating ex-fiance; dismissed the touch of a temper I saw in him as stress.

They say love is blind and it sure can be.

I believed in my heart that all he needed was a good woman who would encourage him, love him & be faithful.

We stayed up talking all night November 13-14th and I "knew' God was telling me to finally trust my heart & marry the man He had chosen for me. We were engaged at 4 am on Nov. 14th. We bought donuts and went to tell my parents at the crack of dawn. They were a bit cautious but really liked Jimmy. I can still remember the feeling of joy I felt. I had finally found a man who would never hurt me, would never leave me & who would treat me good. All the loneliness I had felt in my life seemed worth the wait.

I can't say that I didn't have any "caution signs' during the next 5 weeks before marrying him; but I pushed past them all because I believed in him.

and I believed in love.

Nov 6th, 1999

You know how in the movies you see him across the room, your eyes meet, your heart pounds, and you fall instantly in love?

That DIDN'T happen.

My best friend at the time, Billie, kept hounding me to meet this guy Jimmy. I was chatting online and on the phone with this guy named Johnny and really felt a connection but then suddenly he stopped calling and wouldn't return my messages. So I drove to NH to meet this guy but with no thoughts of romance in my head. Then I saw him.....and still no thoughts of romance in my head. As we all hung out at Billie's playing cards I thought he was so obnoxious and childish. Jim was crazy about me though, I could tell. Later I would tell him "you grew on me..kinda like mold" it was our little joke. He did grow on me throughout the night. He told me I was beautiful and seemed giddy to be near me. He kept smiling this goofy smile. He barely watched the movie because he was too busy staring at me. I tried to pretend I could care less. I left the next morning and drove home convincing myself I did not care about this overgrown child like guy that was fawning over me.

but I was kidding myself.

intro

Years ago I was writting to a pen pal online and as a way for him to get to know me I started a book of my life. I would send him a chapter a day. I stopped just before meeting the ex. I thought I might get some closure to painful things in my life by finishing it.

I will start tomorrow.

God Bless,
Z