Letting Go

(Although I intend to finish this story...the last year with Jim, the divorce and the forgiveness I am called to do, right now I am working on peeling back the layers of pain that I have held onto for far too long....which include Jim but also others..these layers that have built a wall of "protection" that God desires to tare down in me. I want to share this journey with you....)

Today we went to see Nana at the nursing home. I saw a frail woman with vacant eyes seeming so small in her bed. Loneliness hung in the air like a heavy fog. Her spark was gone. She was real quiet. She spoke in whispers. Sometimes she seemed in a haze. As I looked at her a wave of compassion engulfed me and swept me back in time.....

I could see back to a few months ago when she would try so hard to get herself out of bed, to a few years ago when she would struggle to make herself something to eat, several years ago when she was at her house in NH and struggled with her walker to get around, 15 years ago when she was doing child care for a neighbor, 20 years ago when she walked to the store. I flashed threw the years and saw her slow decent into helplessness.

Nana was a harsh woman and through the years she made it clear she didn't want me around. She made me feel like an inconvenience, someone that got in the way of her and Mom's relationship. For years I have struggled with the memory of her cruel words but watching her today they melted away. I saw her life, not just my pain.

I saw a toddler that lost her mother at age 2. I saw a little girl that was bounced around from family member to family member all her childhood. I saw a woman that married an alcoholic, womanizing man who she could not count on. I saw a woman who had her children taken away from her and felt so helpless she didn't fight to get them back. I saw a woman who buried 2 infants and an 11 year old daughter. I saw a woman who buried 2 husbands. I saw a fiesty independant woman reduced to the shell of a body.

I saw a woman who never felt loved and therefore could never show love.

And I was overwhelmed with grief.

Grief for that little girl that lost her mother, that never felt like anyone wanted her, that married a man who didn't treat her right, that lost her kids, that buried her kids, that buried the loves of her life, that is trapped in endless days of nothingness.

Before we left, I gave her a kiss and told her I loved her and that she was a great grandmother. And I meant it for the first time in my life.

Reflections

There is nothing harder than watching someone you care about rip their own heart out.

My Mother had to watch me do that.

Lately I seem to be surrounded by friends who are putting their hearts threw the ringer. One is trying desperately to have a relationship with a man who is desperately seeking love and keeps going from one bad relationship to another, turning to drugs/alcohol, turning from God. I reached out but my words couldn't reach him.

A close friend seems determined to keep his heart in misery by not letting go, by constantly reminding himself of what he cannot have, soothing himself at times with alcohol & questioning faith. I've reached out but my words don't seem to reach him.

Then I recall how I seemed to take my heart after/during the divorce and use it as a kick ball. I am sure my Mom and others that loved me longed to help me. I had a rebound relationship that made me feel worse, an online relationship that ended in his untimely death, a relationship that showed me just being a christian doesn't mean it is God's will & I fell for a man I felt lead too but again it was not His will.

So I am sure those that love me have wished I would let my heart heal, that I would leave my heart in God's hands and not take it back. More than anything I wish I could help my friends do that. As I have felt lead to try to soothe others lately and talked about healing/resting your heart, that the only healing comes from God, perhaps God wants me to listen more carefully to those words myself. I have felt convicted to pray for others but I don't always "pray and release." I pray and then try to help to the point of worrying myself needlessly.

I have learned lately that the Holy Spirit convicts, that is not my job. Jesus carries burdens, that is not my job. And truly loving someone means I care enough to leave them in the Lord's hands.

Now all I need is the strength to do that.....

Shattered

When you've been on a rollar coaster like this for 5 years nothing should shock you, right?

Wrong.

Tension was high of course with Mom living with us. Jim's yelling and throwing things, refusing to work, calling me names escalated. I had to be the go between Mom and Jim. Everyone resented me for everything I said. My house was filled with drama and I was exhausted from trying to keep it all together. I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. We didn't have internet for awhile and had to go to the library to check email. That's when my world stopped spinning.

Jim didn't want to get out of the car and asked me to check his email. I did and accidently clicked on "sent" folder. In there I fond an email that was to a woman he obviously had a relationship with. It was not the usual nasty stuff.

He told her he loved her and they were meant to be together. I must have read that email 50x in a few minutes time.

I came out to the car and told him I knew. He said he had never mailed it (but it was in his sent folder) and that he was mad at me when he typed it so I had no reason to get mad. That's it. No more discussion. Jim said he was not going to contintue to discuss something he hadn't even mailed. I pointed out that it was in his sent folder. He said it don't matter anyway, I was mad. I didn't mean it. End of discussion.

I've never felt such pain. Nothing I could discribe to you would come close.

Soon after, Mom found a place nearby. Some of the tension was gone.

I heard rumors that Jim had cheated on me, which he denied. I didn't even care anymore. He had told someone he loved them. My heart was shattered beyond repair it seemed.

Then Jim said things would be better. He was "over" everything. It was a generic statement so I didn't have much faith in it. What happened was he got much better at hiding things from me. On the surface he would lower his voice when he got mad, not throw things as often, offer to have me check his email to show he wasn't cheating. He said he was "going on his own journey with God" and that would return to church soon, to give him time. On the surface things appeared fine.

but I knew they weren't.