Portrait of a troubled marriage is more like it.

From the first moment we started the "portrait of a biblical marriage" study I was INSPIRED! Everything I read was like food for a dying soul. I knew I was not happy because I was not fulfilling the role God had intended me too: helpmate, submissive wife. My theory was all I had to do was to submit to my husband and in time, all would fall into place.

It doesn't quite work that way. Perhaps you can be blessed by God for obeying His word, but it doesn't change the other person like I thought it would.

Jim heard that I had to obey him and that he could do whatever he wanted. He had his friends in the house and smoked grass while I was out. He drank. When I caught him online talking dirty to some woman he said he was head of household and I was to help him. And that eventually ment allow him to do what he wanted. He said it was harmless and since it was something that filled his needs I should not be upset about it. After all, he said, his happiness was what I was suppose to be focused on that is what the "pastor" said.

That was all my focus had been for years. How can I help Jim get over his mothers death? How can I help Jim while he is scared in jail? How can I heal the hurts of Jim's past so he can move forward? I became resentful that I got nothing back. His "love" was self-centered on only him. He said only his mother had ever truly loved him and that if really loved him it would be like she did: doing anything for him and asking nothing in return. I tried to explain that marriage was give/take, not like a mother's love for her child.

I was mad at God because I felt He had lead me to Jim and that surely I was worthy of more than this. I still saw a man struggling with re-dedicating his life to the Lord, not a man that had never truly accepted Jesus as his savior. I still felt it had been His will to marry Jim.

It was a very dark time in my life and then Jim begged me to have my Mother move in with us while she looked for a place closer to Waterville. I knew this was a bad idea but Jim said "submit to me, remember?" He said he would step up and clean the house while I worked, look for a job, go to church, but he needed a mother in the house. I relented.

I regretted.

H~O~P~E

I define hope this way: Having Opptimistic Perception Evermore.

When we started marriage counseling with Pastor I had one opptimistic perception. I was sure that discussing biblical ideals of marriage would inspire Jim to re-dedicate his life to the Lord and to our marriage. I was eager to learn how I could be a better wife. I long to DO something in times of stress. My hope was dampened by the fact that Jim wouldn't do his "homework." If I filled it out after asking him, he still didn't want to share feelings. He would look at me blankly and said "I don't know what I think or feel about that" I don't think he was just pushing it off, I think he really didn't let himself think/feel about anything. Jim remembered everything the Pastor said that I should do different of course but none of the biblical husband attributes he should do. In the end, what this gave him was a new thing to yell in an arguement. I, however, tried to focus on pleasing God by doing what He wanted me to do, hoping I would then not be so hurt in the process.

Amanda fired Jim and I went to work at Marketing Unlimited as a telemarketer. My job was stressful but the escape from my home life was worth it. I became a member of LWCC and was making good money at my job. Most of the money went into my car (it seems everything breaks on an escort within months of each other). Jim was mad that he could "only" spend $100 a month and that wasn't enough to get him the amount of grass he wanted. He said since he was "head of household" that meant he should be able to do in the house what he wanted, including smoke grass. I begged him to go to church but he said no one was friendly. I invited him to every fellowship thing we did, when he did go, it was reluctantly and he always sulked after that everyone was a snob.

I was so discouraged. Then Pastor announced a 13 week course called "portrait of a biblical marriage" and I really wanted to go. Jim liked Pastor and I was able to talk him into it.

Hope was alive once more.