H~O~P~E

I define hope this way: Having Opptimistic Perception Evermore.

When we started marriage counseling with Pastor I had one opptimistic perception. I was sure that discussing biblical ideals of marriage would inspire Jim to re-dedicate his life to the Lord and to our marriage. I was eager to learn how I could be a better wife. I long to DO something in times of stress. My hope was dampened by the fact that Jim wouldn't do his "homework." If I filled it out after asking him, he still didn't want to share feelings. He would look at me blankly and said "I don't know what I think or feel about that" I don't think he was just pushing it off, I think he really didn't let himself think/feel about anything. Jim remembered everything the Pastor said that I should do different of course but none of the biblical husband attributes he should do. In the end, what this gave him was a new thing to yell in an arguement. I, however, tried to focus on pleasing God by doing what He wanted me to do, hoping I would then not be so hurt in the process.

Amanda fired Jim and I went to work at Marketing Unlimited as a telemarketer. My job was stressful but the escape from my home life was worth it. I became a member of LWCC and was making good money at my job. Most of the money went into my car (it seems everything breaks on an escort within months of each other). Jim was mad that he could "only" spend $100 a month and that wasn't enough to get him the amount of grass he wanted. He said since he was "head of household" that meant he should be able to do in the house what he wanted, including smoke grass. I begged him to go to church but he said no one was friendly. I invited him to every fellowship thing we did, when he did go, it was reluctantly and he always sulked after that everyone was a snob.

I was so discouraged. Then Pastor announced a 13 week course called "portrait of a biblical marriage" and I really wanted to go. Jim liked Pastor and I was able to talk him into it.

Hope was alive once more.