Christmas Eve 2001

I've heard a lot of romantic notions about love: Love is a cool breeze on hot day. Love is never having to say your sorry. Love isn't love til it's given away. Love comes but once in a lifetime.

Mine? Love is an eraser.

On Christmas eve, as I was chatting with my Mom about how cold it was out, in walked Jim. He was being released on the ankle bracelet to serve the rest of his time at home! What a joyous Christmas present! I flew into his arms and every single hardship melted away as he held me and said how much he loved me and he had wanted to surprise me. We had missed our anniversary, but we were going to have Christmas together. Jim checked and double checked what the parimeter's were where he could go around the house. He was very grateful to be home for sure, but he also seemed grateful for me. He spent his days playing video games, cleaning the house, writting me loving emails. He talked about how he wanted to learn more about fixing computers and have his own business. I lavished him with encouragement and he basked in it. He seemed happy. He promised he was going to go to church when his time was done, that he wanted to be a better husband. I vowed to try harder too.

The next couple of months were spent playing spades til dawn with friends, being told I was beauitful and that he loved me, and coming home to a mostly peaceful household. He laughed, we snuggled & talked into the night like we use too. He even made me homemade cards that he left all around the house.

The monitoring people said he had stepped out of bounds once and if he did it again he would go back. Jim had him show him exactly how far in every direction he could go. We wrote it down. I would remind him, at his request, every day so he wouldn't mess up.

April 23rd, the CO walked in the door and arrested Jim. They said he had stepped out of bounds for over 10 minutes the friday before. We had several witnesses that wrote afidavits saying he had not left the area, he must have been just out of bounds. None of it mattered. Jim sunk into despair. He had tried so hard and felt it was unjust to take him back. I agreed. I tried to encourage him by reminding him his time was almost done. Nothing I said inspired him. His rage fueled once again.

And of course he took it out on me.

Again

"Again"

Arrested. Handcuffs. Police.

Vilation. Probation. PO.

Bail. Court. Hearing.

Again.

Public Defender. Prosecution. Convicted.

Plea Bargain. Work Release. Ankle Bracelet.

Convict. Pre-Sentence Hearing. Sentenced.

Again.

CO's. Pat-downs. Searches.

Re-classified. East Block. 211.

Bunks. Cells. Bars.

Again.

Lock Down. Lights Outs. Head Count.

Day Room. Rec. Rules.

Write Ups. Good Time. D-Board.

Again.

SHU. Hole. Closet.

Buble. Canteen. Protective Custody.

Visitation. Sign In. Glass Walls.

Again.

Phone Calls. Letters. No Contact.

Worry. Stress. Broke.

Fear. Tears. Alone.

Again.

JAIL-AGAIN!!

Doing Time

It should be old hat by now. court. bail. visitation. letters. collect calls. handcuffs. jail. fear.

But still bringing my husband to jail shattered my heart. Again.

Jim started what was to be 4 months with good behavior, with 6 weeks already served, at a local jail the end of Sept. 2001. So started the endless calls, screaming one minute, crying the next. He told me once the only power he had while in jail was hanging up on me. It made him feel good knowing I was hurting cause then he knew I loved him. He sent me letters that were a mixture of lashing out, begging me to do something and confessing undying love for me. His ADHD really worked against him in jail. He was written up several times for not "focusing" (now ADHD is just that, the inability to focus). Each time he lost 5 days of good behavior and was thrown in the hole. The infractions were mind-boggling at times. Some were so unjust. But others were proof that Jim wouldn't follow the rules. The jail had the right to decide if Jim could indeed have work release, which they denied. Jim altered between depression and rages. My visits left me drained. I had no one that understod anything I was going threw.

"Doing Time"

Look close, you'll see them

the bars that hold me in

I'm doing time

for someone else's sin

How'd that work out

I'd like to know

You have to stay

I have to go

What traps you

within 4 walls

imprisons me

with every call

I feel your pain

I live your fear

I cry for you

and shed my own tear

I go to sleep

all alone

I'm so lonely

til I hear the phone

Our life is on hold

waiting for this to end

so my weary heart

can start to mend

You may have the bars

but I'm in jail too

I'm doing time

til I can hold you

April 4, 2001

Bad boys, bad boys, what ya gonna do? What ya gonna do when they come for you.

Jim had worked for a few weeks when he first got out of jail. He had worked at the same place as the woman across the street, so she drove him there. But she left the job, leaving him with no way to get there, so he quit as well. I had to work; I was our only steady source of income. I couldn't drive him to a job. His PO was threatening to send him back to jail if he didn't keep a job (it's part of the probation conditions). He found a job, p/t, doing dishes and being trained to cook. He was happy. The job was over 20 miles away, so he took the chance of not getting pulled over by driving without a license. He was scheduled to go to the dmv April 9 to get his license back. The job was going to increase his hours then too. He was almost home free. Then on April 4th, he stopped in to his scheduled PO appt. and jingled his keys during his chat with him. His PO knew he didn't have a license and that he was getting it back in 5 days. But he became suspicious that he was driving and followed him when he left. Jim was pulled over and arrested for driving with a suspended license (habital offender-meaning he lost his license because of numerous tickets/citations). This also violated his probation. It was one day shy of a year ago that he had gone to jail the first time.

I put the house up for the bond needed to get him out but it still took 6 weeks. I was working at an insurance agency and was excited I was getting my insurance license back. I was using my breaks at work to call bail bondsmen. Jim called constantly when I was home, at all hours of the night. He yelled and cried and begged and blamed me. I was under alot of stress and it was showing in my job. I couldn't sleep and when I did I had nightmares.

I finally got Jim out of jail, pending trial, just after Mother's day. Jim was facing a standard year in jail (because he had a felony conviction, the sentence for driving under suspended habital offender was 1 year). He was also facing violation of probation charges.

Jim seemed to go full force into rages. He wouldn't talk about anything, he blamed everything in his life on someone else. He was depressed about his Mother's death. Everything about me reminded him of his Mom and he would lash out at me. He told me he hated me and wished he was dead. He said if I had not "rescued" him when we met he wouldn't be going threw this. The cops were at our house 2-3 times per week for domestic calls. About half of them were legit arguements but the rest was a neighbor would stand on the road outside our window and if she heard any sounds would call the police. The stress was near unbearable. I didn't know how much more I could take.

The 1 year anniversary of Dad's surgery/death only added to my load. Jim became enraged when I would cry or want to talk about my Dad. He felt I was trying to make him feel bad because he was depressed about his Mother. It was like I somehow "took away" from his pain by mourning for my Dad. When I tried to explain the pressure I was under and we needed to help each other threw this time, he said I wasn't facing jail, I had only lost my Dad, he had lost his Mother and the only person he loved. I was all alone in my grief and in my burdens.

Then on my birthday I got fired.

The Little Things

The sun will come out...tomorrow. Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow they'll be sun.

I saw the light come back to Jim's eyes as we finished 2000. He pampered me with affection. He made me breakfast in bed, warmed up the car on cold days, put little notes on my bathroom mirror. He knew I was worried one time about driving my escort up this steep hill in the dead of winter. The road hadn't been plowed. Jim met me at work and we switched cars. His Chevy Lumina APV van flew threw the snow like it was a snowmobile. Another time he made me this romantic dinner. He had candlelight, and after calling Mom to ask her what constituted as "romantic music" put Celine Dion on. He greeted me with a kiss at the door and had made this delicious meal. It was the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me.

He was talking about his past, still not ready to let it go, but talking about it. He wasn't working and spent his days hanging out with friends in the park. Our fights seemed to be less and less. He seemed to really be in love with me. I thought the best was yet to come as we approached our first anniversary.

I was dead wrong.

August 2nd, 2000

I had pictured the moment for 120 days: I would walk into the jail and see my husband for the last time in cuffs and orange suit. I would sign in for the last time in the guest book. He would immediately wrap his arms around me and we would walk out of the correctional facility, never looking back, into a world that somehow had an extra ray of sunshine.

OK, I watch way too many movies!

His Uncle got there and "signed him out" before me. Jim greeted me with "hi, we're going to lunch with Uncle Hugh." No hug, no adoring look at his "angel" that had kept him sane for 4 months. Fizzle.

When we got back to NH, I had to work on the eulogy for Dad's funneral 2 days later. I took Jim to see the trailers we had bought. There was so many things happening that week, it felt hard to breath even. So I ignored Jim's rages and his moody isolation with the computer/games. I thought he needed time to readjust. Perhaps he did, but he snapped out of this funk whenever he was around friends. He seemed to resent me for some reason and I couldnt' figure out why. He wouldn't look for work, he ignored me & speant time with new friends, he wouldn't touch me. He said "I love you" when he wanted to hear it and got annoyed when I said it first. He asked me to tell him why I loved him, that he was unworthy of my love, then he would call me names and say "when you cry is the only time I know you really love me." He said I was making him get angry and punching holes in the wall was better than hitting me. This was so strange to me. I decided he just needed time to get over things and I needed to be a good wife and be patient. Love conquers all things, right?

Jim was on probation which meant his PO could come to the house whenever he wanted and he did. He went threw our drawers, poured out a wine cooler I had, inspected our knives. He ordered Jim to work or he would violate him and send him back to jail. I looked for work for Jim, not having a license, a criminal record and living in the boonies, this was not easy. Plus Jim has ADHD (severe case) and wouldn't take meds for it. Jim perfered to "self medicate" i.e. smoke grass. I was afraid every day he would get arrested again, that he would be sent back to jail and that he didn't love me. I was correct.

He was no longer behind bars but we sure weren't free.

April 5, 2000

Your first Christmas. Your first place. Your first dinner. Your first fight. The first time you are called "Mrs. ____"

The first time I saw him in jail.

April 5th, 2000 I brought my husband to jail. He had accepted a plea agreement of 6 months in jail and 2 years probation for Criminal Mischief, Criminal Threatening & Harrassment. I saw him in cuffs, in an orange suit, I walked out of the cement building with tiny glass windows & begain the worse 120 days of my life. He called several times every day, crying that he was scared he was going to be attacked. He begged me to get him out somehow. He would then scream at me and hang up, knowing I couldn't call him back. I would be frantic til he called back. I tried to get him out on an ankle braclet/home confinement but the DA opposed and he had to stay. Jim told me his mother would never have allowed this to happen, I needed to do something. He was punched a few times, speant several nights in the hole. He called several times a day, crying & begging me to do something. He told me I had failed him. Then he would tell me I was his angel that was keeping him hanging on. He went to anger management classes while there. He attended bible studies. He seemed to really committ to the Lord. He wrote me letters mentioning how he wanted to live a more Christ like life. I visited every Sunday, even when my Dad was admitted into the hospital June 24th for his lung transplant. I split my time between MA visiting Dad and NH to take Jim's calls and visit him in jail. Verizon stock holders should send me a thank you note for all the money they earned while I accepted collect calls from jail. I think I personally put the VP's son threw 2 years of law school. I tried to work but I was emotional drained. Some money from Jim's mothers IRA came threw and I was able to buy 2 trailers (one for us, one for my parents) as Jim wished. Jim was released on Aug 2nd, 2000.

I had thought I would get rest during the time Jim was in jail; it was worse. The emotional strain was almost unbearable. Dad died July 23rd, 5 days before my birthday-7 days before we moved-10 days before Jim got out of jail.

What was suppose to bring joy, didn't. It was suppose to be a time of renewed life with Dad's transplant, instead it brought death. It was suppose to be a time of putting Jim's jail/anger behind us, instead it brought more outbursts. It was suppose to be a time of settling into our new homes, instead it was a sleezy trailer park that made me cry myself to sleep to live in. It was suppose to bring some financial freedom from his mother's estate, instead it was another opportunity for his family to treat him poorly.

Everything seemed to be spiralling out of control.

but the eternal optimist in me refused to believe that the worse was not behind us....

1st 100 days

If nothing else our marriage was never dull.

In the first 100 days: Jim was arrested 2 times (for disorderly conduct & transporting drugs), lost his license, went to court 4 times, fought (and lost) his uncle over his inheritance & my Dad was on a transplant list (for a lung, he had advanced emphysema).

There was so much going on that I dismissed all the outbursts. All the times the cops showed up because a neighbor called after hearing us arguing, Jim punching a hole in the wall or throwing something at me. When he was mad he called me filthy names. He would become annoyed when I cried, ignore me when I tried to talk to him and pushed me away every time I tried to touch him. I know saying "every time" is a big, dramatic statement, but it is not for dramatic effect: every time in the 6 years we were married he pushed me away when I approached him.

I came home from work & he would explode over something that would leave me in tears, then he would wake me up in the middle of the night wanting to talk. I was exhausted. I was emotionally drained from the stress that was going on in our lives. I knew the date was drawing near for Jim to start his jail sentence and I felt guilty because part of me was looking forward to the break.

But when the man you love is doing time.....so are you.

Mrs Tully

He called me his early Christmas gift.

When we married Dec 18, 1999, I thought I was marrying the love of my life. Jim would shower me with attention, tell me I was beautiful and his angel that had saved him from ending his life when his Mom died a month before we met. It was a very emotional time in our lives, so the outbursts of vile words I dismissed as a result of all the turmoil in our lives. Besides having just lost his Mother, his uncle & aunt were very cold towards us. His uncle insisted on a pre-nup (he was going to have an inheritance of an estimated $200,000 after all was said and done) and they thought I only wanted his money. It didn't help that my best friend at the time convinced Jim that was true as well. I signed happily but it did put a strain on Jim's relationship with them.

Jim was also facing jail time. He had damaged a vehicle of his ex-fiance's new boyfriend and made threatening calls to him. Hindsite is everything aint it? But at the time I took this as a bad break up, not a sign of a violent man. (yeah, I am shaking my head as I write this). Jim speant the first 2 months lying about having damaged the truck or threatened anyone. Jim was hurting deeply for the loss of his Mother and the "dismissive" way his family treated him. I decided I would rescue him from all the saddness in his life. Jim told me often that I reminded him of his Mother and that is why he fell in love with me.

That is also the reason he fell out of love with me.

Wedding Night

Every girl dreams of her wedding night. Flowers. Soft music. Candles. Satin sheets. Country Inn or Luxary hotel. Camping in Mts or Cruise to caribbean island. Any way you slice it though it has one thing in common: romance.

My wedding night was speant in tears.

He wanted to play video games. When he saw me in my nightgown he said "yeah, so?" He laughed & said I was being a ridiculous cow when I started crying. I tried desperatley to cry myself asleep. At 4 am he threw the video controller against the wall, punched the floor & said "If it will shut you up."

December 18th was a clear depiction of what the next 6 years would be like: one minute I was being told I was beautiful & his angel, the next I was being called words I can't type on this blog.

I knew this was not right; that he needed to control his temper. What I didn't know was how much this was damaging my self esteem.

Dec. 18th, 1999

Wouldn't life be great if you could have a "re-do"?

Flashback November, 1999....it would go something like this...

"Yes, I will marry you but we need pre-maritial counseling" Perhaps after 6 weeks of marriage counseling I would take the advice of the Pastor to wait til Jim got out of jail to marry him. Perhaps all the yelling, disrespect & name calling while he was in jail would have me thinking twice before I married him. Perhaps I would see Billie's hesitation of me marrying as a sign to slow down.

Perhaps.

I do know that I don't believe in "regrets." Regrets have you living in the past and you can't change that. My motto has always been to Live & Learn, let yourself Love & make sure you Laugh.

I also know I would never want to loose the memories of my wedding day. It was a cold day, but no snow fell. It was Dec. 18th. I was in the back of the little church I had attended when I lived in Maine. I was nervous and giddy. My Mom cried as she put on my veil. My cousin Loraine was my matron of honor, my cousin Mel was my bridesmaid. My Dad beamed with pride. Dad walked me down the aisle then stod up for Jim as his best man. Nothing I had ever imagined growing up could compare to the joy I felt on that day. As I walked down the aisle you could see how nervous I was. I glanced up to the sky asking God to not let me faint. When I got to the altar Jim whispered "you look so beautiful" & "I love you." We had a few funny moments in our ceremony: when Pastor Harter asked me "do you want to give Loraine your bouquet" I said "no" & when I went to put the ring on Jim's finger I got confused which hand and kinda grabbed one, then the other....prompting Jim to grab my hand, shake it and quip "nice to meet ya"...everyone roared! We wrote our own vows and I truly can't describe what I felt as I said them and as I looked in his eyes as he said them to me. I promise to Love, Cherish, Honor, Respect, Protect, Defend, Comfort & Encourage. Forsaking all others & keeping myself forever faithful. In sickness & in health, in joy & in sorrow. Standing before God, my family and friends, I take thee as my husband/wife til death do us part. When we exchanged rings we said "With this ring I thee wed & so start the greatest journey of my life...as your wife/husband"

The journey may have ended too soon. It was much harder than it should have been. But Garth Brooks said it best ...."our lives are better left to chance, I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance."

Nov 14, 1999

I have a great memory. I remember a lot of dates. I remember the date I met Jim, the date I realized I was falling for him, the date he first told me he loved me, the date I first told him I loved him, the date we got engaged, the date we picked out my engagement ring, the date I bought my dress, the date we met with the photographer, reception hall manager, pastor.

Of course our entire courtship, from meet-to-marry, was 6 weeks.

Yes, I said 6 weeks. Common sense picked a bad time to take a vacation.

From the start, Jim wanted to get married. He "jokingly" asked me the first time he talked to me on the phone, 2 days before meeting. He asked again 3 days after we met. The first 8 days we knew each other was a whirlwind, to put it mildly. He told me over and over again I was his "angel" who had rescued him from despair; that he was going to treat me like a "princess" for the rest of my life; that he loved me, would never leave me or hurt me. I felt like I was in the twister that took Dorothy over the rainbow. I thought I had waited 31 years to meet my prince and there he was. I dismissed his lack of strong faith as having just lost his Mother 1 month before we met; dismissed the pending criminal charges against him as the fault of the cheating ex-fiance; dismissed the touch of a temper I saw in him as stress.

They say love is blind and it sure can be.

I believed in my heart that all he needed was a good woman who would encourage him, love him & be faithful.

We stayed up talking all night November 13-14th and I "knew' God was telling me to finally trust my heart & marry the man He had chosen for me. We were engaged at 4 am on Nov. 14th. We bought donuts and went to tell my parents at the crack of dawn. They were a bit cautious but really liked Jimmy. I can still remember the feeling of joy I felt. I had finally found a man who would never hurt me, would never leave me & who would treat me good. All the loneliness I had felt in my life seemed worth the wait.

I can't say that I didn't have any "caution signs' during the next 5 weeks before marrying him; but I pushed past them all because I believed in him.

and I believed in love.

Nov 6th, 1999

You know how in the movies you see him across the room, your eyes meet, your heart pounds, and you fall instantly in love?

That DIDN'T happen.

My best friend at the time, Billie, kept hounding me to meet this guy Jimmy. I was chatting online and on the phone with this guy named Johnny and really felt a connection but then suddenly he stopped calling and wouldn't return my messages. So I drove to NH to meet this guy but with no thoughts of romance in my head. Then I saw him.....and still no thoughts of romance in my head. As we all hung out at Billie's playing cards I thought he was so obnoxious and childish. Jim was crazy about me though, I could tell. Later I would tell him "you grew on me..kinda like mold" it was our little joke. He did grow on me throughout the night. He told me I was beautiful and seemed giddy to be near me. He kept smiling this goofy smile. He barely watched the movie because he was too busy staring at me. I tried to pretend I could care less. I left the next morning and drove home convincing myself I did not care about this overgrown child like guy that was fawning over me.

but I was kidding myself.

intro

Years ago I was writting to a pen pal online and as a way for him to get to know me I started a book of my life. I would send him a chapter a day. I stopped just before meeting the ex. I thought I might get some closure to painful things in my life by finishing it.

I will start tomorrow.

God Bless,
Z