August 2nd, 2000

I had pictured the moment for 120 days: I would walk into the jail and see my husband for the last time in cuffs and orange suit. I would sign in for the last time in the guest book. He would immediately wrap his arms around me and we would walk out of the correctional facility, never looking back, into a world that somehow had an extra ray of sunshine.

OK, I watch way too many movies!

His Uncle got there and "signed him out" before me. Jim greeted me with "hi, we're going to lunch with Uncle Hugh." No hug, no adoring look at his "angel" that had kept him sane for 4 months. Fizzle.

When we got back to NH, I had to work on the eulogy for Dad's funneral 2 days later. I took Jim to see the trailers we had bought. There was so many things happening that week, it felt hard to breath even. So I ignored Jim's rages and his moody isolation with the computer/games. I thought he needed time to readjust. Perhaps he did, but he snapped out of this funk whenever he was around friends. He seemed to resent me for some reason and I couldnt' figure out why. He wouldn't look for work, he ignored me & speant time with new friends, he wouldn't touch me. He said "I love you" when he wanted to hear it and got annoyed when I said it first. He asked me to tell him why I loved him, that he was unworthy of my love, then he would call me names and say "when you cry is the only time I know you really love me." He said I was making him get angry and punching holes in the wall was better than hitting me. This was so strange to me. I decided he just needed time to get over things and I needed to be a good wife and be patient. Love conquers all things, right?

Jim was on probation which meant his PO could come to the house whenever he wanted and he did. He went threw our drawers, poured out a wine cooler I had, inspected our knives. He ordered Jim to work or he would violate him and send him back to jail. I looked for work for Jim, not having a license, a criminal record and living in the boonies, this was not easy. Plus Jim has ADHD (severe case) and wouldn't take meds for it. Jim perfered to "self medicate" i.e. smoke grass. I was afraid every day he would get arrested again, that he would be sent back to jail and that he didn't love me. I was correct.

He was no longer behind bars but we sure weren't free.