Friends

I am going to take a quick break from my usual journey....

Everyone that knows me knows my biggest pet peeve is someone not taking responsibility for their actions. It drives me nutz. I am quite good at accepting that my Mother's decisions about her health reap the benefits or suffer the consequences. The same for my Nana. I hold myself to a high standard of accepting responsibility for my actions. Then why do I feel the need to worry about a friends decisions? I had a flash of insight....it is what I did throughout my marriage with Jim. Now some of his decisions did effect me, when you are married, they will, but others didn't. And why worry about something you can't change? Then I think back to my decision to marry Jim. Others might have seen that I was moving too fast, that he wasn't for me, but I had to make that mistake. I followed my heart, so why do I have such a problem with others potentially making a mistake? I think some is when you care about someone, you do try to warn them. I would expect the same back. some may be that I am still in the bad habit of taking on responsibility that isn't mine. When I was married I was sick with worry about Jim doing drugs, going to jail, the friends he chose, not working, his temper, how it all made me feel. I wanted things to change and so I did everything I could to make them. But perhaps part of this new side to me is that I am wishing I could go back and make changes, that I wished someone had tried to change my mind. But you can never go back. And perhaps part of me is avoiding changing me by focusing on others. The past always seems better and worse than it really was and I can only change me. I can hope, pray, advise but then I need to accept and let go.

True friendship is caring enough to say something but also accepting them just the way they are.....

Summer of 03'

It was clear to me that we needed to get away from the negative influence of Jeff. I have always disliked NH and longed to be back in Maine. Jim agreed. I asked my Nana if we could live with her for a few months so we would save the money to move to Maine. She agreed. A month after we moved in, Mom had to leave her apartment and moved in with Nana. Three generations of women should never live together.

If you are considering such a thing smack yourself 3 times on the forehead and don't do it. Trust me you will thank me in the long run.

The tension was high. Jim would explode and then not only did I have that to deal with, but my Mom and Nana would lecture me about it. Sometimes I felt like I had to defend him, other times it felt good that someone cared about how he was treating me. Every day there was fighting. The plan had been for Jim to get a job (I was able to collect unemployment since I had been laid off from the school bus driving job) but he lasted 2 days at a local gas station and then wouldn't look for work. I was worried sick. Then we found this ridiculously low rent in Waterville ($350 for 2 bedrooms, den, laundry room, kit/bath heated on first floor...woo hoo!) and with help from Mom was able to have come up with a months rent/security. Me and Mom went for a trip to see the place (Jim didn't want to go). I liked the area. The landlady said it was not a "nice neighborhood" so I asked how many murders/rapes there had been and she gasped and said "o no such thing but people will break into your cars" What a riot for this Boston girl. I signed the lease and drove back to NH with a lighter heart. I had researched the area and found several christian churches and especially liked the sounds of Solid Rock Baptist Church & Living Water Community Church. I researched places of employment for both of us and there seemed to be some prospects. It seemed like such a quiet neighborhood.

I knew moving wasn't going to erase our problems but I was hoping a fresh start would give us the boost we needed. Jim seemed sincere about finding a church we could call home and finding work and to quote him "be a man for once."

I was cautious but hopeful of the future.

Friends in low places

They say you are who your friends are. I've never believed that.

Til I met Jim.

Jim started spending a lot of time at Jeff's who owned a computer repair shop. He was doing odd jobs for him and was really excited about starting his own computer repair business one day. Jeff wasn't a christian, was not married, smoked grass and thought talking dirty online was not cheating. He was also a demanding and demeaning man. I did not like him but Jim looked up to him, both professionally and personally. Every waking moment was speant on the computer or down at Jeff's working on computers. Jim said it was for our future. I wanted to be supportive of his dreams, so I kept my feelings about Jeff to myself.

Jim got up from the computer when Jeff called and ran over to his shop (2 doors down) and as I walked past the computer an IM caught my eye. I sent a few vague IM's back to this woman to keep her talking and found out my husband was having an online affair with her. I revealed who I was and she said sorry & to my surprise answered my questions. Jim had found her in a chat room (under adults/NH/romance section) and had complained about how mean his wife was who made him do all the housework, denied his needs and who was fat. I weighed the same weight for the first 4 years of our marriage, had begged Jim for affection & I worked while he did nothing, including housework. I confronted him when he got home and HE EXPLODED! He said I had no right to talk to his online friends and that it was just a fantasy and he needed an "outlet" for all the stuff I pulled on him. He then said perhaps we should not be married but live together like Jeff and his girlfriend, then neither one of us would feel like we could control the other and he could collect more money from disability. He said he was going to smoke grass in the house if he wanted too, have as many harmless online girlfriends as he wanted too and he was no longer going to be my "slave" and do housework while I worked f/t. He said you don't like it, divorce me. I am the man and I am taking control of this house. Lets just say I was not quiet when I voiced my opinion and I can't repeat what I said back. I did tell him if he smoked grass in the house I would call the cops to which he replied "You would be very sorry if you did that. I won't have no (bleep) dissn'g me like that."

He said if I truly loved him whatever he did I would accept. He said he DESERVED to be loved that way and the fact that he stayed with me is enough of a 'REWARD' to me (I kid you not) He laughed when he said "and the bible you like to think you follow little miss perfect says you have to obey me, so there ain't nothing you can do." He sneered at me that if I didn't like it I could divorce him. Then he added "but you won't and I know it cause you're a perfect angel aint you? not. You always make me feel like garbage cause you don't drink or smoke grass or swear and cause you work and go to church. O man I love the look on your face right now. I'm in control baby!"

He had this warped idea of submission, no christian friends/influence and I was trapped. He was right on one thing: I couldn't biblically divorce him. I've never felt so helpless.

Days later he got mad at Jeff when he gave a job to someone else and he felt betrayed. He came home crying. He said everyone would betray him but his Mother. Then he added the only people he had was me and my Mom. He said we needed to start over new, someplace new. He apologized for his outburst and said it was Jeff's influence (I don't disagree with that, who his friends are was how he acted) He again emptied his friends list online, promised he would never go to a chat room again unless it was a christian one and that he loved me and would never make me cry again. He promised he would change and be the christian God wanted him to be.

I didn't believe him.

Broken Vows

The world stopped spinning. I felt all the air leave the room. My heart was: ripped out of my chest, stopped beating, tore in 2.

There are a lot of cliche's out there but that is how it feels when you learn the one you love has cheated on you. And cheating doesn't have to be physical.

I was checking my email before I went to work and didn't know I was in Jim's account. I went to the sent folder for something and saw an email with the subject "rock your world." When I opened that email, the world did stop spinning, the air left the room, my heart stopped beating just before it was torn in 2. Then the world started spinning wicked fast, my heart was about to beat right out of my chest and I couldn't breath. I confronted Jim who gave me some lame excuse of sending the email for a "friend" who wanted to hook up with this woman but had a girlfriend so he did him a "favor" by sending the email from his account. Funny though the email wasn't signed by this friend. The more he lied to me the madder I got. I cried, I screamed, I had words stuck in my throat. I told him to leave, I begged him to tell me what I did wrong, I felt sick to my stomach. I had so many emotions at one time, it was hard to keep up. All the cliche's are true when the rug is pulled out from under you. The cops came and said one of us had to leave and wanted me too since I had to go to work. I have no idea how I drove to the school to pick up the kids (I was a bus driver).

When I got home, the computer had "crashed" and all info was lost. He told me he was sorry he had hurt me. He cried for an hour and told me he realized how much he loved me and didn't want to loose me, though he stuck to his lame story about sending the email for a friend. He deleted a bunch of names from his email and said he would never do anything like that again. I tried to believe his story, I wanted so badly to believe he had been that naive to send an email for a buddy and that it wasn't him. I did believe he was sorry and forgave him. I told him it would take time to trust him again.

Things got better after that. Jim made sure he was home for most evenings to watch a movie with me, made me dinner and went to bed when I did. He hugged me often and told me he loved me. He apologized several times and said it made him realize just how much he loved me when he saw me crying. Though I was hurt and still wanted him to tell me the truth, I let it go. I stopped checking his email and rebuilt the trust I had in him before. I believed it was a one time thing and that this had made us stronger.

Yeah, right.

Still Doing Time

"Still Doing Time"

You're distant & cold

our life still on hold

The bars are gone

but something's still wrong

You turn from me

still not free

It's like you're still there

like you don't care

You pull away your hand

I don't understand

Now that you're free

you don't want me?

Have you lost your soul

you're no longer whole

I waited so long

I stood strong

I'm still doing time

are you still mine?

July 14, 2002

Again and again and again.

It was much harder to keep Jim's spirits up this time. He had tried so hard to stay within the rules. He hadn't left the front yard per his instructions but somehow his foot/ankle bracelet must have been just over the line. I was hysterical when they took him back, prompting the CO who was taking him back to ask Jim if I was going to be alright. It never gets easier to see the one you love in cuffs. NEVER.

I kept Jim focused on June 14th. That was his release date. As that date approached, I sent countless encouraging cards and letters. I made him a calendar to do a countdown. Then the head master tacked on 30 more days for all the previous infractions (that he had speant time in the hole for AND lost 5 days good time each time) Jim lost it. He wouldn't stop crying. I was furious. I had just started a super stressful job, I speant every moment (it seemed) encouraging Jim, we had to sell the trailer's (for a huge loss) and I was speant. Jim was very upset we had to sell the trailers. He felt like we were "backsliding" because we would now live in an apartment instead of a home. He blamed me. I tried to dismiss it as stress of being back in jail but I was hurt. I had been the only one working, I had bought the trailers & lived where I hated it to make him happy. Each night I cried out to God to take this burden from me. Then I heard a sermon that reminded me that God doesn't take away the storms but gives us strength to endure the storms. I was invigorated.

Jim was cold when he got out of jail. He was depressed. He withdrew even more from me. He wouldn't leave the house for weeks. He seemed to have given up. I gave him space. I consoled. I begged. I yelled. I cried. I tried to reach out to him. He looked at me with blank eyes. He didn't yell, he didn't cry, he didn't do anything. He slept while I worked, went on the computer when I was home, and came to bed hours after I had tried to fall asleep. I reminded myself it is darkest just before dawn.

Sometimes, it is darkest just before the storm.