July 14, 2002

Again and again and again.

It was much harder to keep Jim's spirits up this time. He had tried so hard to stay within the rules. He hadn't left the front yard per his instructions but somehow his foot/ankle bracelet must have been just over the line. I was hysterical when they took him back, prompting the CO who was taking him back to ask Jim if I was going to be alright. It never gets easier to see the one you love in cuffs. NEVER.

I kept Jim focused on June 14th. That was his release date. As that date approached, I sent countless encouraging cards and letters. I made him a calendar to do a countdown. Then the head master tacked on 30 more days for all the previous infractions (that he had speant time in the hole for AND lost 5 days good time each time) Jim lost it. He wouldn't stop crying. I was furious. I had just started a super stressful job, I speant every moment (it seemed) encouraging Jim, we had to sell the trailer's (for a huge loss) and I was speant. Jim was very upset we had to sell the trailers. He felt like we were "backsliding" because we would now live in an apartment instead of a home. He blamed me. I tried to dismiss it as stress of being back in jail but I was hurt. I had been the only one working, I had bought the trailers & lived where I hated it to make him happy. Each night I cried out to God to take this burden from me. Then I heard a sermon that reminded me that God doesn't take away the storms but gives us strength to endure the storms. I was invigorated.

Jim was cold when he got out of jail. He was depressed. He withdrew even more from me. He wouldn't leave the house for weeks. He seemed to have given up. I gave him space. I consoled. I begged. I yelled. I cried. I tried to reach out to him. He looked at me with blank eyes. He didn't yell, he didn't cry, he didn't do anything. He slept while I worked, went on the computer when I was home, and came to bed hours after I had tried to fall asleep. I reminded myself it is darkest just before dawn.

Sometimes, it is darkest just before the storm.